Hungedover

There was once a time when I was impervious to the after-affects of a heavy-drinking night. No matter how much alcohol I consumed I would wake up the next morning without a hangover. At its worst I would end up making a few extra trips to the bathroom. No headache. No stomach pain. No feeling of "the weirds." No wanting to die.

Not anymore.

After an alcohol-fueled Halloween night I woke up on Thursday feeling completely miserable. I know I've had worse hangovers, but I can't remember them. It was pretty fucking bad. Today, after a Saturday afternoon drinking and watching college football at a bar in DC the hangover is once again in effect. (My mom gave me a breathalyzer for Christmas a few years back. Last night I picked it up and blew a 0.37. Yea, it was one of those days. And by one of those days I mean a typical Saturday during football season.)

But, the good thing is I've learned a few tricks to help combat the awfulness. And, as part of my Public Service pledge to you readers I'm offering you a list of the best hangover remedies I've found for returning to (somewhat) sobery normalcy.

1.) Get drunk again. This always works. Hands down. No questions asked. However, it may not be the most practical if you are rolling into work with a fifth of Beam, but when possible I promise this will "cure" your hangover.

2.) Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief. If you can find it -- good luck -- you will thank me. This shit is effervescent magic. It won't cure "the weirds" but it takes a huge dent out of the hangover, and really takes the edge off. The only problem is it's really hard to find in stores. But it's worth ordering online. Trust me.

3.) McDonald's No. 3 Value Meal. This would be a Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit with a hashbrown. It helps a little, and getting the grease in the stomach is usually crucial. Of course, if you're like me, it's not hard to wake up after a night of drinking as my body refuses to let me sleep in past 8 a.m. Also, make sure you order a....

4.) Fountain Coca-Cola. This helps a little too. It definitely takes a little bit of the edge off and it tastes damn good.

5.) Sex. This doesn't really cure anything, but while you're having sex you either a) won't remember you have a hangover or b) won't give a shit because you're having sex. The hangover feeling definitely goes away, at least during, but the symptoms return after.

6.) A Michelada. This is a Mexican cocktail. Now, before I tell you about it I have to warn you. I've tried this exactly once. I made it wrong and couldn't stomach it and tossed it out. But a guy I work with swears by this. He claims that he's found nothing like it, that it absolutely erases your hangover after only one drink. If you have the ingredients sitting around then throw them in and let me know. To make: salt the rim of a bar glass. Put in ice and squeeze in half a lime, then throw in the lime. Pour in a Mexican beer. Add a few drops (I can't stress this enough, just a few drops) of Worcestershire sauce, a few drops of soy sauce and a few drops of hot sauce.

7.) Work Out. I know, this sounds like a particularly awful proposition. I'm not going to lie, there are few mornings that I can actually drag my hungover ass out of the chair, much less hit the gym. But, if you can, this works everyfuckingtime.

8.) Shower. I know this sounds easy but sitting in the recliner feels soooo fucking good. And it's Sunday and I don't have shit to do. Yea, sometimes it's hard.

8.) All of the above. Have sex in the shower while alternating sips from your Michelada and Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief as you're munching on a Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit and running in place on your way to getting drunk again. I promise, you won't have a hangover. And you'll be clean.

OK, gotta run, I have a few things to do.