The Tampon Story

(Warning: If you are eating pasta while you are reading this, do not scroll down. It's gross. The blog, not the pasta. I'm sure the pasta is tasty. This blog shold only be read on an empty stomach. And also, if you don't find humor in Farrelly brothers movies. Stop reading....OK...You've been warned.)

Do you remember that time I brought home my college girlfriend to meet my mom?

No?

Lemme break it down from two different angles.

From my side:

We get to the house, introductions are made. Our mini-Schnauzer, Tucker, goes crazy because there's a new person to meet. My mom loves Shoosh's British Flag purse with flare on the straps and her short, sassy -- and not in anyway lesbianish, honestly -- haircut. Shoosh talks about herself. My mom asks questions. We have a few drinks. We have a few laughs. Good times.

Ok, good, that's out of the way. Things went really well.

The next morning we wake up and leave to head back to school.

The End.

For a few months I foolishly believed that was the end of it. It was simple and easy. But oh no, sometime later I was sitting down talking to my mom when she drops this:

"Did I ever tell you what happened the morning after I met Shoosh?"

"No. Why?"

[slight chuckle from my mom]

Mom: "Welllllll. I woke up the next morning for work, and the first thing I do every morning is take Tucker out."

Me: "Right."

Mom: "Yes, so, incidentally, I noticed he had gotten into the trash in the main bathroom the night before."

Me: "Um, ok."

Mom: "Well Tucker was out on the lawn and he was hunching over to poop but nothing was coming out, and I thought that was kind of strange. And then I see something kind of dangling from his rear."

Me: "........go on."

Mom: "Well I pulled him over on the leash and I turn him around and there's a white string hanging out of his, well, his butt."

Me: ".................oh no."

Mom: "So, I didn't know what else to do.....

.....I had to pull the string out.....

.....it was probably hurting Tucker...

.....And......I umm......

.....pulled out a tampon."

Me: ".....!....."

Mom: "And it um, it had been used."

Mom: "And there was only one person it could have come from."

Me: "Ohhhhhhh. Myyyyyyyyyy."

That's right folks.

Lemme summarize for you.

My poor mom -- who is quite polite and proper -- pulled my girlfriend's used tampon out of our dog.

Think about that.

True Story.