Am I?

Listen. Before we get too into it let's get this out of the way. This blog is going to talk a lot about what happens to me and other people when I drink. Sure, I don't think it's the only thing in my life, but it tends to produce the largest amount of humor, per capita of drink. I'll talk about other funny shit form time to time, but most of the better stories revolve around booze.

So, I've heard the comments. Some from family. Some from friends.
Maybe I'm an alcoholic.

No fucking way. An alocholic is someone who can't stop drinking. Even tonight I just had one beer. And I'm fine. (Kinda want another, but I won't.)

So a few weeks ago I took a little online test. Here's it is.

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?

...Well, sometimes I struggle through work because I am hungover, but I wouldn't really say I'm losing time. Now, if by "losing time" they mean do I sometimes blackout? Sure. Who doesn't? But I don't think that's the context here. Let's mark it "No."

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

...Actually, quite the opposite. I enjoy every one around me much more when I am drunk. Definitely a "No."

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

...I may actually be the least shy person I know. What other asshole asks his new neighbor if he has herpes the first night he is introduced to him? Oh, oops, I was drunk. Still a "No."

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

....See, here's the thing. In my early twenties I was kind of a dull ass. Not really lame, but just not a lot of fun; More of the guy who whould sit in with my girlfriend and watch a movie. Then, long story, I started drinking. Heavily. So all the times YOU were out drinking when you were in college, I was watching Tommy Boy. Now, however, I am more than making up for it. And, yes of course I've done numerous assholish things while drunk. But everyone I know laughs about them the next day. Except my last girlfriend, SoberGirl. But, fine, we'll mark this down as a "Yes."

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

.....Remorse is such a funny word. I wanted to look it up just to make sure I was right. (Sure enough, according to my friend Webster, remorse is "a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs.") I mean, sure, I've had two-day hangovers where I regret drinking so much. There are a few women I probably shouldn't have hooked up with. But by no fucking means is it gnawing at me. So let's say "No," and believe the test-maker really understood the syntax of the question.

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?

...Well, certainly I would have more money if I didn't drink. Just adding it up over the past four months since I moved to DC it's easily, ohhhhhh, $124,017.43. But no difficulties here. "No."

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

...As in "Do you associate with hookers and hang out in crack houses near the Anacostia River when drinking?" No, as a matter of fact I don't. At least not lately. And "lower companions" is such a tricky phrase. Does that also mean, "Girls Who Eat To Make Their Life Better?" Yes, I think it does. So mark it "No," bitch.

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?

...Only once. And not really. I was driving the boat and a little tipsy when I started, um, weaving back and forth rather quickly. My sister "almost" fell off the boat. But, sometimes she's a little dramatic. (What's that you smell? Oh yes, a fucking rationalization. Deal with it.) So, she was HONESTLY never in any danger. We'll go with "No."

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?

...If anything it's probably increased. I met my new boss at a bar and that led to me getting the fuuuuuuck outta Michigan. And made me want to work harder to make more money to, well, buy more drinks. And things. I love things. Like boats. So, "No."

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time of day?

...I don't drink much during the week. I try not to because if I get drunk for, oh I don't know, more than three or four nights in a row I evolve from Hey This Guy Is Tons Of Fun When He's Drunk Scott to Why Is This Asshole I Just Met Calling Me A Fucker Scott. Then again, I read once where the writer Christopher Hitchins said holding yourself to a drinking schedule is always the first sign of an alcoholic. Guilty. Still, mark it "No."

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?

...Again, I'm going to assume the test-maker REALLY knew what he was talking about when he chose the word "want." Do I want a drink the next morning? Not particularly. Sometimes I have a drink to make last night's pain disappear. And, of course, the best way to get over a hangover is to get drunk again. But I don't necessarily want to. Let's say "No."

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

...Hahahahahahahaha.....No, it's the only thing lately that HELPS me sleep. I'm not saying the sleep actually does anything for me. It's drunk sleep. It sucks because, even though I'm dead to the world it doesn't really recharge me. But I sure don't wake up unless it's to pee (on my roommates couch. I'll tell you later, I promise.) Definitely a "No."

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

...What the fuck does this even mean? My efficiency? What kind of question is that? In what aspect? Sexually? (No), Ethically? (No), Economically? (No.) We'll go with "No."

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

...My boss seems to find me much more entertaining when I've been drinking. And since he's just like me I think he understands. He is a pretty kick ass boss, not gonna lie. Shit, I met him in a bar. I still rock it during the day and do what I need to get done during the week so I can enjoy the weekend. Mature, no? Clearly a "No."

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?

...I sometimes drink to escape boredom. If a place I'm at is boring: Simply add Scott plus many parts alcohol to taste, stir, repeat. It always works out in the end. But I don't drink to escape the thought that maybe my mother loves my brother more or that my dad never really wanted kids. I don't think those are even remotely true. "Nope."

16. Do you drink alone?

...Only when no one else is around. "Yes."

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?

...It's a good thing a "Yes" answer only counts for one. Not gonna lie. I don't blackout alllll the time, just soooooooome times. And that's only when I hit the bar pretty fucking hard. Oh well, "Yes."

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

...My physician has treated me for other things, but drinking is not one of them. (But I have to point out, if whoever is taking this test's physician HAD, in fact, treated them, why would they be taking this test? Shit, maybe I should doubt the test-maker's language choice. Nah, fuck it.) "No."

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

..I don't drink to build up my self-confidence, it just happens to be a natural by-product of my drinking. Going with "No," here.

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

...Not. Yet. ... "No."

And the results.....

I scrolled down the page expecting to see some "Submit" button where I would get a detailed answer, something like, "Well, Scott, you tend to drink too much from time to time, clearly. But if you embrace the drinking with a little more moderation you can still live a long healthy and wealthy life."

Fuck, no.

What I got was this:

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

So, yes. I am in fact an alcoholic.

Enjoy the stories.