The Family Stoned

My two families......are a little different.

My mother's side is quite normal, as normal as can be for a middle-class Chicago family. I mean, it's pretty much The Wonder Years and Beatles records until you choke.

How nice.

My father's side, however, with their stoic Norwegian roots and New York ethos...and penchant for lunacy...create the schism.

There really is quite the difference. So much so that you will read this and wonder how my parents (actually, just my mom) even handled the wedding at all.

Awkward and Doubtful for $200, Alex.

And now:

On my mom's side I have two uncles and an aunt. On my father's side I have the same.

Let the comparisons begin.

Mom's side: Aunt Shrink

Aunt Shrink is a psychologist, hence the witty nickname, and is married to Uncle Fun. They have two children, my cousins. One is studying to get her PhD and the other is a prominent snowboarder in Canada who does web design and video editing.

....vs.

Dad's side: Aunt Tante

Aunt Tante went to Cornell and majored in, I think, hippie. Or patchouli. She married a Jewish communist and lives in Oslo, Norway. He is, apparently, world renowned for his study of bugs. They also produced two children. One is my Cousin K who suffers from bi-polar depression. The other is Cousin Elf, who is 5'2 and weighs 300 lbs.

....on to the next round.....

Mom: Uncle Beer

Uncle Beer does quite well for himself as a salesman. He is married to Aunt Skinny. They produced two children and live in Suburban Chicago. They like the sauce, and have a rather impressive collection of wine and cigars. We are convinced that the two children will grow up to party as hard as their parents. And we are also looking forward to being there when my older cousin brings home her first boy, as my uncle is a rather intimidating individual...who owns a large selection of pistols.

...vs.

Dad: Uncle Coin

Uncle Coin is an enigma. He possesses a 180 IQ, at least. He went to the same college my father did, majored in Engineering and earned all A's in his classes (whereas it took my father a Tommy Boy-style seven years to finish.) He has never spent a day in his life in that field, choosing instead to earn a living as a numismatist.

Folks, that means coin collecting. He writes catalougues for companies looking to move the rare currency, and does quite well because of his Rainman-like recall and knowledge. He has never been married, nor has he had a girlfriend, and lives in Manhattan on the Upper West Side.

He suffers from schizophrenia and bipolar depression and was once hospitalized after walking down Fifth Avenue screaming about snakes.

He is one of my favorites, entertaining and smart as hell, and the provider of many winning horse bets I've laid down.

And one more...just in case you didn't get it quite yet.

Mom: Uncle Pick

Uncle Pick lives in LA and works with a company that specializes in market research and map making. He has been married twice and divorced twice. No kids.

...vs.

Dad: Uncle Normal

My father was at home back in the late 1960s when he got a knock on the door. It was the FBI looking to talk to Uncle Normal about his activity in the SDS.

Uncle Normal ran with The Rascals, The Chicago 7 and other members of anti-Vietnam War organizations and never went to college, instead focusing on protesting and insurrection.

Sometime in the 1970s he met a man named Larry Flynt and started working with him at Hustler. This continued on-again, off-again for decades. Now, Uncle Normal works at a skin magazine for women with very large breasts as an associate editor. I have spoken to him, probably, three times in my entire life.

To say that he is estranged from the family would be putting it lightly. His position, however, did merit him a brief second in the Hollywood spotlight. If you have seen The People vs. Larry Flynt than you have seen Uncle Normal, as he held a non-speaking role in the film. At one point the screen is all Uncle Normal for about three seconds.

So, the only hard part is figuring out who I'm more like.

Hmmmmmmm........