The New Monopoly, now with hookers

So, I was playing Monopoly the other night with Cheese, the roommate, and another friend, MissCurly. That game is pretty kick ass and I haven't played in years so it was cool.

The first game I smoked them. I had hotels on ALL the light blues. ALL the oranges. And ALL the Yellows. I also negotiated a deal where I only had to pay 10 percent of the rent when I landed on the greens from MissCurly. Quite helpful when she had four houses on them. Needless to say, I won, if by won I mean, made them forfeit every piece of property they had and then call me Daddy.

At one point MissCurly landed on Marvin Gardens. Uh oh, $1,200 with a hotel please. She didn't have it. She, actually, only had a few fins and some ones. Uh oh, someone's getting a railroad.

Me: "You better get your ass down to Baltic and start turning some tricks."

Which got me to thinking. How fucking awesome would it be if the game were updated into today's society? Instead of "Second prize in a beauty contest," a Chance card would be, oh I don't know, "Proceed to Vermont Avenue. Visit STD Clinic. Forfeit $100."

A Community Chest card? Instead of "Bank Error, Collect $200," it could be, "Win Back Payments of Child Support. Collect $500." Instead of "Go Directly To Jail," it could be "Get Sent to Prison where you are Sodomized and Shanked in the Shower. Pay Hospital $1,000." Instead of "Proceed to St. Charles Place," it could be "Proceed to St. Charles Place and Buy Crack. Give $2,000 to each player." Instead of the Income Tax space you could have the "Bang a Hooker" space. Which, combined with the STD card, would make sense.

Brilliant, eh?

The pieces could be switched up too. Like, perhaps, throw in a shopping cart for the homeless and, maybe, a syringe.

They could also vary the types of housing they have. Like, when you built hotels on the purples and the light blues they were those shhhhhhhhhady beach hotels, whose faded aqua and teal facades all invite good times but when you arrive you find funk-nasty molded carpets in the hallways and stained underwear under the hotel comforter. Shit, why not throw some crack houses in there too? Only for Baltic and Mediterranean though.

See you in a few days, bitches. I'm off to a concert.