High on Life, and Shit

It happens, not often, but it happens that you'll come across something so mind-wretchingly disturbing that you, for a second, wonder if it's real. Your brain twists and turns, thinking that what you've just learned must be some hoax. It must be a joke. It must be, because you aren't sure you want to live in a world where it's true.

Cheese: "Want to read something disgusting?"
Me: [long pause] "I don't know, do I?"
Cheese "I think you do."

He directed me to this. Take a read.

Lazy? OK, I'll summarize for you. Actually, just for fun, let me try writing a news story about this. Bear with me, it's been six months.

Teenagers in certain parts of the country are usurping traditional methods of getting high in favor or a new technique that may be difficult to outlaw: inhaling the gases created by their own urine and feces.

The new drug is dubbed "Jenkem," and originated in Africa, according to the news release. It is made by placing a balloon over a jar or bottle containing feces and urine. The gasses are trapped in the balloon and then inhaled, police said.

Concerned parents alerted authorities in Collier County, Fla. after their children heard classmates discussing the new drug at their high school, police said.

Police reported that users achieve a euphoric high, "similar to cocaine." The drug induces hallucinations lasting up to 20 minutes, but lethargic, "out of it" feelings may last several days, police said.

"All subjects who used the Jenkem disliked the taste of sewage in their mouth and the fact that the taste continued for several days," police said in the release.

For me this raises a few questions and inspires a few comments.

1.) Who was the first motherfucker who tried this? Can you imagine the scene in some basement? A bunch of high school freshmen sitting around, the marijuana crop is a little dry and they can't score any skunk. Their typical LSD connection is busted. They are bored. "Hey, let's shit and piss in a jar and use a balloon to capture the gasses, then let's inhale that shit, yo."

2.) I mean, getting a little high is one thing. Trading a few days of shit breath for the experience. Not so much.

3.) I don't know the joke verbatim but I know it was Chris Rock who said something to the effect of "You can get rid of every drug on the planet and kids will still find a way to get high." This confirms he was correct. And we're not even out of drugs.

4.) I was borderline about having children before. Now, this pretty much seals the deal. There is NO FUCKING WAY I am fathering a child in a world where people are getting high on their own shit and piss gasses.

5.) There is no way this makes getting laid in high school any easier. (Unless it's like that thing with onions, where if you both have it you can't really tell on the other person.....fucking gross.)

6.) In my mind this may be the single biggest, and worst, comment on today's youth. In 30 years will we be asking potential presidential candidates if they ever did "Jenkem?" And could you ever, possibly, vote for a candidate who -- at one point -- took a balloon plump full of shit gas and inhaled it?

Go. Discuss. Try not to vomit.

Collier County Sheriff's Office News Release (From The Smoking Gun)
Wikipedia Entry on Jenkem
Some Kid TRIED IT (Imagine the pride beaming from his parents)