This will be an ongoing series. I'll update it from time to time with new dialogues in bold.
Just to keep everyone safe, I am redacting ALL names. No nicknames here. And if you're easily offended....well, I have no idea why you keep coming back here. PostSecret is down the hall. Waaaaay down the hall.
***
Male Friend: "OK....take a look at this one."
Me: "Wow, nice, yea, she's definitely hot."
Friend: "And, hold on......here, look at this one."
Me: "Yea. She's pretty cute too."
[pause]
Me: "You have a lot of pictures of hot girls you've fucked."
Friend: "Yea, well, Scotty, there's a whole lot of ugly chicks I banged that I don't have pictures of now, right?"
***
Female Friend: "So, yea, he was big and stocky so my hopes were really high."
Me: "OK."
Friend: "And then he took his pants off and I was like, oh no. Wah waaaaah. Tiny tiny tiny."
Me: [laughter]
Friend: "But I'll say this, the anal was awesome."
Me: [almost spitting out my drink]
Friend: "That's how you turn that frown upside down."
***
Male Friend: "Yea, so, I know what Luke Perry's penis looks like now."
Me: "Oz?"
Friend: "Yea. You see everyone's cock in that show."
Me: "That's too bad. They should have a cock countdown. Like, 'Cock in 3...2...1' ... so you can avert your eyes."
Friend: "Yea well, it's not that bad. You know, I was in a frat house. We had communal showers. It's just the way it is."
Me: "Yea, I guess cock is part of life."
Friend: "I watch porn don't I?"
Me: "Yea, true. ... Although, you know, cock is usually in the woman."
Friend: "True."
Me: [thinking] "Wait, what kind of gay prison porn are you watching?"
***
[Massive gust of wind bursts down the street]
Male Friend: "Wow, took that one right in the face."
Me: "Yea, like a cheap pornstar."
Friend: [laughter]
Friend: "Shit, any kind of porn star that takes that kind of blast in the face has got to be well paid."
Me: [laughter] "True."
Friend: "If a Bukkake star is getting $100 a film then she needs a new agent. And I would gladly take that job."
***
Female Friend: "Then he gave her an eyesee."
Me: "A what?"
Friend: "You know, an eyesee. Where the guy shoots it all over the girl's face and it gets in her eye."
Me: [laughter] "I've never heard it called that before."
Friend: "Yea. An eyesee."
Me: "That's awesome."
Friend: "One time I had a guy do that to me. It was like a moon pie all over my face. And some of it got in my eye."
Me: [while laughing hysterically] "No.....fucking....way....."
Friend: "That shit hurt like a sonuvabitch. I woke up the next morning and it was all swollen and red and gross......I had to call in sick to work."
Me: [Falling off barstool from laughing so hard]
***
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13 comments:
I'm almost afraid to speak around you anymore
obviously this woman is not aware that visine easily clears up this problem
@Cheese: It's better to be feared than loved. Watch what you say. Someday you may be on here.
@SD: Wow.
yep. just kind of admitted to being a dirty slut on the internet. whoops.
@SD: I think there's a T-shirt for that.
Giving up the anal to guys with small dicks? Taking loads in the face? Considering working in bukakke films? Where were your female friends when I was dating?
@Harry: www.match.com ... No, so kidding.
LMAO that last one is hilarious. um yes, i have to call in sick today... i can't see out of my right eye. ridiculously funny.
Anal with the small penis guy is the CLASSIC move. Smart too. I mean, why waste it.
@Michelle: I can't even explain to you how hard I was laughing. I would submit that to Reader's Digest, but I don't think it would make the cut.
@TheEx: Ha, right? Like she said, that's how you turn a frown upside down.
YILA - how about Penthouse Forums?
"Wah waaaaaaaaaaah"
I thought my friends and I were the only ones who used that in conversation!!
Ok, I just busted a gut at the eyesee comment.
LORD.
Stupid cubicles and my inability to legitimately laugh. Fuck.
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